How To Lose Your Ex Without Losing Your Mind (And Money)

Divorce is one of most expensive things you can endure in life. For years, lawyers are told that the average fee for an estate is 10% – $100,000 if the estate is at least $1M. Few marital estates in California fall below $1M given housing values. Some cases earn far more than $100,000 in fees and costs and the parties incur this debt in addition to the emotional toll it takes on the family. How do we make getting rid of your ex cheaper? Planning.

First, before deciding if it’s the end or just a rough patch, ask yourself: if I don’t see this person again tomorrow, will my life improve? In other words, can I go on without being together. Sometimes the hassles and petty annoyances are endearing and if you think you are going to “miss” them once they’re gone, divorce is not your answer. Maybe try counseling or church or a long vacation apart.

But, if the day-to-day has become a slog and a rut, you need to have a plan to dig out of it. The first thing anyone needs to do is put some money aside for the process. This can be enough to buy groceries and pay rent for six months and hire an attorney to fight for support. You cannot expect to go cold turkey without money or representation unless you are very aggressive and want to learn the process yourself double-time. Courts don’t make exceptions for self-represented parties.

Getting orders for support take weeks and most courts do not consider lack of income as an “emergency”.

Domestic violence scenarios get first priority in the legal system. Those almost always involve harm or imminent threat of harm although disturbing one’s peace of mind is gaining traction as a ground, especially if the violence occurs in the front of the kids or they hear about it from the parent later.

Second, you need to know what to expect. Almost every person coming to grips with divorcing has to ask themselves: will I “lose” the house if I move out? The answer is, No, but there are consequences. If you have children under 10, you need to think about the effect of your leaving: who is going to get them to school and activities? Wil the spouse staying behind accuse you of abandoning the kids? Yes; it always happens, even though it’s not true. You just can’t explain that to Timmy until he’s 19.

If you have the basics, a home with a mortgage, cars with loans/leases, credit card debt, all of these have to be divided and distributed equally and equitably. Everything that comes into the marriage is up for grabs and division. This includes assets and debts.

If you have a job, and during marriage you started an IRA, that’s community property. It’s subject to division based upon the “time rule” how much of it was earned during the marriage gets split 50-50; if part was earned before marriage and after date of separation, that belongs to the spouse that earned it.

Third, what is reasonable to expect? Equitable division is a nebulous concept. It’s like Joint Tenancy: you have an undivided equal interest in the whole. The same applies to community property. The biggest surprise most people have is YOU DON’T WANT THE COURT DECIDING WHO GETS WHAT. Having to take a divorce to trial is shorthand for failing to be reasonable about dividing the estate and paying support. This does not mean giving away the store; it means reconciling yourself that you really don’t want that antique hutch you just happened to find at the Paris flea market and had shipped back home cut in two with a chainsaw and given half to you and have to your ex.

The reason you don’t want the Court to decide the fate of your assets and who gets to keep the kids most is that (a) courts are highly congested with dissolution matters and the amount of time a bench officer has to entertain your gripes is a whopping 10 minutes and that is a generous estimate, and (b) you know your circumstances best while the Court is bound by State policies: equal access of the kids to each parent, equal access to funds and assets for the unemployed spouse, etc.

Does this mean every divorce should be worked out between you and not the Court? Ideally, yes. Realistically, no. The news is rife with examples of monied individuals getting away with highway robbery and sometimes, those thefts get reversed or checked by the legal system. Your goal should be to try and avoid this because the average appeal costs upwards of $50,000, and that’s just the retainer.

So, what to do? Get some advice. Some firms (like ours) offer a free 30-minute in person consultation. Or, buy a Nolo Press book on Divorce. There are lots of self-help guides out there. The main thing is not to give too much away in the spirit of cooperation. Sometimes, to make sure that doesn’t happen, it helps to have a professional on your side just for that purpose.

Tammy J. Mercado

Tammy J. Mercado has a passion for helping her clients achieve their desired results. She listens and she personally and promptly responds to your texts, emails and phone calls. She offers real solutions to your legal matters. Tammy will carefully evaluate the legal issues in your case, provide you with sound advice and offer you the pros and cons of each possible scenario so you can meet your legal objectives. She encourages clients to participate in their own matters. Tammy believes that client participation is key to a positive result and to keeping attorney fees as low as possible. You can be sure that she will offer you straightforward, sound and honest advice in a professional manner, with integrity and excellence.

Before opening her own law practice, Tammy worked for many high-volume law firms. This gave her extensive, diversified experience in hundreds of complex family law cases as well as civil matters. She is admitted to practice law before all courts in California and the United States District Court for the Northern District of California. She is also a member of the American Bar Association, the Contra Costa Bar Association, the Alameda County Bar Association and the Bar Association of San Francisco. Tammy is also a member of the Rotary Club of Danville.

Tammy is a graduate of John F. Kennedy School of Law and holds a Bachelor of Science in business management from the University of Phoenix. Tammy is also a licensed real estate broker, which comes in handy for valuing property in family law cases as well as real estate matters in the civil arena.

During her off time, Tammy is an avid sailor who crews and races on various boats in the San Francisco Bay. Tammy approaches each case as she would any yacht race: by assessing the other’s strengths, weaknesses, experience, equipment, history and reputation. She is a member of the American Sailing Association, and she is a certified Coast Guard Auxiliary member.

HONORS AND AWARDS
Tammy was selected to receive the prestigious “Business Person of the Year” Award in 2017 for the San Ramon Chamber of Commerce.

Tammy is currently serving as Danville Rotary President for 2017 through 2019.

Mary C. Whipple, CFLS

Mary C. Whipple opened her first law practice in the summer of 2008. She previously was an associate attorney at the Law Office of Cummins & Holmes, a full-service civil litigation law firm in San Ramon. The majority of her experience is in family law, which includes divorce, custody, support, prenuptial agreements and domestic-violence restraining orders. Certified by the California State Bar’s Board of Legal Specialization, she is a specialist in the area of family law. Mary has also represented clients in a variety of non-family-law cases, including juvenile dependency, probate, breach of contract and employment disputes, to name a few.

Mary also previously worked as a contract attorney for O’Melveny & Meyers in San Francisco while simultaneously volunteering at the Bar Association of San Francisco’s Volunteer Legal Services Program, representing defendants in unlawful detainer actions. The program acknowledged Mary with an Outstanding Volunteer in Public Service Award in 2006 for her efforts in providing access to justice.

A seventh-generation Californian, Mary is a graduate of Loyola University Chicago School of Law. She earned her Bachelor of Science in criminology at Southern Oregon University in Ashland, Oregon. She is a member of the State Bar of California, the Alameda County Bar Association, and the Contra Costa County Bar Association.

In addition, Mary is active in her community as a member of the Ambassador’s Committee for the San Ramon Chamber of Commerce; a volunteer at the Contra Costa County and Alameda County Superior Courts, where she assists self-represented litigants in completing their divorces; and a member of Divorce Angel, where she provides information regarding family law matters to members of the community. Since 2007 she has been a volunteer judge for Alameda and Contra Costa County’s Annual High School Moot Court Competition. She is also a member of the Danville/Sycamore Valley Rotary Club. She was awarded the San Ramon Chamber of Commerce 2012 Business Person of the Year; and a graduate of the 2012 class of Leadership San Ramon Valley.

CERTIFIED LEGAL SPECIALTIES
Certified Specialist in Family Law by the State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization